Cause I'm Single

Quick caveat: This post is about nobody but me, take from it what you will. Some people think my posts are about them, but if I don't specifically call you out as I have done in previous posts, stop being so damn conceited.

Sigh to be single again. Let me tell you the truth about being single, it takes getting used to. You know why serial monogamists exist, because they were in a long relationship got out and could not get adjusted to being single again. You know those people who holler "I'm single and ready to mingle" and shy away from relationships; they can do that because they not only accepted being single but have also lived as a single individual for a while and become accustomed to it.

For the past four years I have been in several continuous relationships. Since the most recent break-up, I found myself reaching to create relationships and friendships where they did not exist or need to exist. I was acting out of my own character, I was turning into one of those people...dare I say...a serial monogamist. I was turning into someone who did not want to be left alone. It was not until I was "auditioning" someone that I realized what I was doing. People are who they are, and nobody should have a friendship or relationship forced on them, and I certainly do not need to be the one doing the forcing. I realize I need to be single...like really single. See some people think they are single, but they are constantly on the go. Meeting up with friends, attending functions, talking to people, bbming, etc. That's not really being single. Really being single means being okay alone, and you cannot truly know you are okay being alone until you spend some time alone. No, the solo ride to one of your social, business, or miscellaneous events does not count as being alone. I bet in reading this you are thinking, "No that does count! I am alone all the time. I mean on Wednesday nights I come home and chill alone." But seriously is it really being alone, when you are talking on the phone or texting, and this is after you go to an event with a co-worker. Lol...try again.

There was a time when I was fine being alone, and I know that I still can be. Everyone has the capability of being okay alone, but it's just when you have companionship for so long or a clique/crew you always hang out with or talk to, you forget what it is like to be truly alone. Now you are probably thinking who would want to be completely alone; that's boring, that sucks, that's lonely, humans are social beasts by nature (later blog, most definitely). However, one of my favorite lines is from Socrates, "the unexamined life is the unfulfilled life", and if you do not like that one how about, "how can you love someone else, when you don't love yourself". This is not to say you should spend weeks and weeks alone. Rather to say I think ti wise to not work so hard to reach out to people and create bonds, during this time. Please spare me the stories of how deep you are, or how you are constantly working to improve yourself, because unless you can honestly look through this post and see nothing applies to you, or better yet look through it and are offended then you probably need to check yourself out and see why something written here bothers you. I think once comfortable in your own skin then you can truly enjoy being single.

State of Affairs

This post is inspired by the black women and men I see all around me on a daily basis. My black brother, you're 21, 25, 30+ years old, why are you still sagging your jeans and still have no idea what a resume is. My black sister, you're 21, 25, 30+ years old isn't it time you stop chasing after ball players, or the dude who looks "thuggish" and go for a real man. The state of affairs in the black community disturbs me to my core; it is the reason I became a philosophy major. For the life of me, I cannot understand when our people fell off. When did advancement in this society stopped being cool. When did the ideals set forth in the early 90s by shows such as Cosby Show, A Different World, Family Matters, Living Single, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and even of one of my all-time favorite shows, Martin; when did the success these characters achieved in their careers and education stop being something we reached for. Instead we since the early 2000s we have...well that's just it, there really are no black shows on television that set forth good examples of what will transpire with determination and hard work. Unless Real Housewives of Atlanta and the Game qualify. SN: I do enjoy the Game but the idea of becoming a football player does not apply to the vast majority of us. While I do not personally watch RHOA, and I am sure it is very entertaining, but living a loud-mouthed drama-filled existence with people you call friends is something most black women can accomplish without even thinking about (let's be honest).

The problem is not in the media, the problem is not in the parenting, the problem is not in the education; the problem is in all of these and more. When having a conversation Saturday evening, I asked a young man what would he change about the black community, he said the ignorance. I followed-up asking in regards to what. He gave me a hard look and said "everything". Ignorance when it comes to succeeding in school, ignorance in regards to having a child and not being in the child's life, ignorance in regards to what we aspire to be. He said, black people somehow got this attitude whereas if they are not at the very bottom and are at least doing better than someone else, then they can coax through. I am here to say that is false. You pointing to a homeless guy, a crackhead, or even another black person working a "lower" job then you, does not make you better. The only way you can be better is if you constantly strive to do better. My father retired from the Air Force after 21 years, in 200. He constantly seeks ways to advance his career, whether it is pursuing another degree, coming up with new ideas and projects at his job or working more overtime than any other employee there. He does not have to do these things, he is set when it comes to money, but he does them because he believes he can always do better.

The state of affairs in the black community today is quite simply, "we fell off". We let the social disparities and racism in America get to us, and allow us to not only fill the roles offered to us but to permeate society as the deserving underdog. I personally, have to stop and give some credit to the black women, because "overall" I see many black women on their grind always striving to do better. Before you take a bow though, ask yourself if you can still do better. For my black men, don't you dare celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King, or Malcolm X, or Thurgood Marshall or any of the other pioneers unless you are ACTUALLY doing something to fulfill their legacy. There is a lot more I could write on this subject, and maybe I will in a later post. For now simply understand what I see and what is happening is disgraceful and ignorance pure and simple. We can all do better, and we all must if we really want things to change.

Auditions - Sorry, You Didn't Get the Part

As many of you know or will know or now know I have reached a point in my life where I have decided to re-evaluate myself and the relationships I have with others. A situation has arisen where I am off to see an old friend this weekend, in the hopes that we can re-establish a once strong friendship. I am doing this because I feel I, or law school, is largely to blame for the decline of the friendship. However, as I am preparing to see this person, I have called and bbm'd several times to ensure that they are 1 - hyped to see me, 2 - aware of the time to pick me up from the train, 3 - made some sort of general plans for us. Unfortunately, I have not received the answer to any of these, all I know is they are aware I am coming and I can stay with them. I was telling ym co-worker about how disconcerted this made me, and she said, "Well I am sure things will be fine once you get there. If not, then at the end of the trip tell them, 'Thanks for auditioning, but you didn't get the part. The role of close friend will have to go to someone else.'"

It was ingenious. I honestly do not know why I did not think of it myself. I am moving to a point in my life where it's time to be serious about the company I keep (yeah that means no more bed-hopping), and why should I not look at these connections as audtions. If I meet someone new, and we seem to connect and we go out and things seem to falter. "Hey, you have been great fun, but you did not get the part of my girlfriend...and you did not get the role as friend either. Sorry." Even as I re-evaluate old friendships it should serve as an audition to keep your role "Hey, we had so much fun back in college/high school. Let's not sour those memories with the frustration I feel when I try to hang with you now. There is some fresh new talent out there, and sorry we just don't feel like we connect with your character anymore." *shrug and walk away*

I guess this kind of boils down to the other blog about "skin-deep". Sometimes you need to re-evaluate who you are and who you want around you. Who is in it to win it, and who thinks they can hold on simply because they were there first. I am not special, and I damn sure am not better than anyone else. Since we are all equal why should I have to call people friends who are not working for the part. Why should I consider dating you or being in a relationship with you, if you are not giving yourself to the role. Before I talked to my co-worker I was confused and concerned, now I have a fresh perspective and look forward to it. I am off to see someone play the part they earned, and over the course of their performance I can decide whether they get to keep the part, or if we need to hold open auditions.

Runaround

This post is inspired after listening to Tristan Wilds' song "Runaround", oh yeah the boy is talented. Basically, I write this from the perspective of vulnerability. When you have invested time, energy, money, and emotions into someone who has been less than completely honest with you.

I have had and will have relationships where I do my best to give myself over to that person. I truly believe everyone has some sort of sixth sense or gut instinct that let's know something is not quite right. Things are not exactly what it seems. Let me make it clear that I am not speaking about jealousy, insecurity, or cynicism. I am specifically speaking on a strong feeling you get that the relationship is either headed downhill, or that person may be hiding something. Hiding something may not necessarily mean cheating, but it usually is something that would have some impact on the course of the relationship. You get to a point that Mr. Wilds was getting to. Where you get sick of working, trying, talking, or asking; hoping for some change when this person continues to give you the runaround. The runaround especially leaves you vulnerable because you don't really know what's going on, or if anything at all is going on. Perhaps the person is going through some personal issues, and it's hard for them to speak on it. But if they don't speak on it, you cannot know. If you cannot know then you will still feel like you are getting the runaround.

Now I cannot offer a corrective course of action. You could try talking about it, although considering that is how the person is giving you the runaround in the first place, pretty sure that will not work. You could end things and simply cut your losses. You could ease up a bit aka fall back, and try not to get hurt in the process -- hoping this will get the person to respond by giving you more or telling you what's up -- this option typically does not work because you are still invested and may get even more upset that you're "falling back" is not having an effect. Or you could do something that most people would not recommend, but something I personally do not have issues with: put the person on the backburner and keep it moving. The reason the last option, is not typically recommended is that you have to open yourself up to meeting someone new. This is to say that you will likely begin to start a new relationship before you actually end the last one. However, keep in mind these are all results from the runaround. So I personally encourage everyone to be open and honest about most if not everything when embarking in a new relationship. If in the case the person you are with feels that you are giving them the runaround, then sit down and address it immediately before they do exercise other options such as cutting their losses or meeting someone new.

Excuses

You know what I hate: excuses. Seriously dumb excuses about why we don't chill, why you're so busy, why you don't call, why you went here, why you stayed here. I would much prefer reasons for your actions, as opposed to excuses for your inactions. It honestly does not make any sense. What did we say Boogie, "Do or Do Not There is No Try." If you are going to be about something, then be about it, and if you are not about it don't make excuses for your shortcomings. Using the word "try" is usually a sign of an excuse.

I was having a three-way Oovoo conversation with some friends last night. (Keep in mind today's post addresses many people who have been in and out of my life and even some who are still in it, you know who you are *glares out the screen*. ) In the conversation, we discussed, what else, but men and women. I get so bothered having the same conversation over and over where people want to say: "Oh I only stayed with him because of this." "I did not call her because of this." "That situation was different because I knew he/she..." EXCUSES! The difference between an excuse and a reason is quite simple, in Kamal terms, a reason is an explanation as to why you chose a specific course of action. An excuse is some lame-ass story about why you didn't do something that you said you would do, or some bullish rationale for not being able to do something you are perfectly capable of doing. For example, "I won't be able to get up with you tonight because it's my boy's birthday and I gotta take him out. But I promise to make it up to you." - this is a reason and a solid one, because notice the speaker here makes an attempt to reschedule. "I cannot get up with you tonight because I am tired, but let's TRY to reschedule." Excuse, and worse one with no suggested recourse. Why "try" to reschedule, reschedule right now fool. "I want to hang out with you more but I am working crazy hours. I promise as soon as I know my schedule we can arrange something" - Reason versus ""I want to hang out with you more, but I have to do this this and this. But let's try to get together this weeknd." Wait, what? You know that you HAVE to do this, that and the third, but you can only try to see me this weekend.

Females (sorry fellas) next time a man says he will try to make it up to you, or we can try for this or try for that. Tell him, do or do not there is no try. Fellas next time a female says she tried to call you but... or she will try to make it. Tell her the same. Matter of fact, how do you try to call someone. If they did not answer leave a voicemail, if your phone is dead ask to use someone else's. I have many a times let someone use my phone or use someone else's phone. There is no excuse for "trying" to call unless Verizon is cock-blocking. So you out there who says, You are trying to leave the drama behind, but these females etc. NO! You don't want drama, stop hanging with people who bring drama to your life. You out there who says, You want to chill more but you can't because of whatever. NO! Make it happen. Also, do not use the word "can't" it is a disabling word. Take me for example, I am not a good dancer, not a good cook, and not a good swimmer. However, I can't sing...I mean let's be honest, lol. But all jokes aside, I hope you have learned a lesson between excuses and reasons. If you going to be about it be about it, if not then don't make excuses for it later on.

P.S.
Some times "can't" and "try" can be used. "I can't make it my car broke down, I am trying to get a mechanic out here." That is a pretty solid reason.

Changes

Nelson Mandela at one time said, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." Next week will make two months since I permanently relocated to the Washington D.C. area, a place at one time I called home. However, in the seven years since I moved from here (always making holiday and sometimes summer visits) I felt as if the whole scene had changed. Besides the sprouting up of several new neighborhoods, the demographic change within my own old neighborhood, and the gentrification of D.C. There was something else different...like I had lost a connection to the social scene, and lost my bearings on my personal life.

It is not so much as the fact that I do not really have a lot of friends in this area, but more so, that the friends I once had in this area have their own lives now. I have changed and they have changed, and while both changes may have been for the better it does not do well for my social calendar. I really began to realize how much I had changed when I went out my first weekend in DC. I saw so many friends from high school, and had a lot of fun, but the next day when asked to do it again, I answered with a firm "no." Whether it be age, mobility, or my tolerance for the "spirits" it boils down to change. I don't want to party like I used to. I don't want to drink like I used to. Don't get me wrong I still likes to party, get down and boogie...just not four nights a week. My thing is if I am spending more time out then I do at home, then why the hell would I pay bills. To be quite honest, a night at home on the couch with someone I vibe with, watching some movies sounds like the perfect thing right now. There's the rub: I don't freaking know people like I used to. I need people to vibe with and the only way you meet them is by going out.

As I stated the friends I did have here either moved away, got married, or got knocked up. The rest of my friends who have remained on the party scene, have their own cliques or circle of friends they chill with. Other friends are stuck in a mentality that I abandoned years ago, and to be quite honest I do not feel like pretending I am into things or scenes that I am not into for the simple sake of meeting people. It took reading this Mandela quote to make me realize, the area had not changed nor had the people. I have changed. I guess it's time for the "new" me to find my niche here because it certainly is not where it used to be.

Will Love Trump All?

How do you hurt someone you love? Easy when you think that it's in their best interest. How do you tell the kindest, sweetest, most loving person you have ever had the good fortune of knowing that while you still love them, you are no longer in love with them? How do you tell someone that has been nothing but nice to you, and has done absolutely nothing wrong that it just isn't working out...

The Situation: Look above. I met a wonderful person who shall remain nameless. They taught me a lot about myself and helped me during the darkest time of my life. In fact, I cannot even consider it dark times because this person made it so pleasurable and kept a smile on my face. However, things changed. I slowly realized that I was no longer in love, but wanted to be with this person because they helped me become a better person. I wanted to be with this person because they deserved the best, and there was nobody around to give it to them. Despite the fact that we never agreed on the "dealbreakers" marriage and children (later post, I'm sure), I had to be with this person because I owed them so much. I owed them so much. I wanted to be with them because I owed them...

Sometimes people are thrown into our lives for various reasons, and to teach us valuable lessons. I took many lessons a way from this experience. One lesson I learned is whatever higher power is out there be it God, some spiritual forces, karma, nature or even the gods of Greek, Norse, Egyptian, "take your pick" mythology; they work in very mysterious but valuable ways. They put people in your life when you really need to learn something even if you do not see it at the time. Another lesson is that sometimes love IS enough. You cannot force yourself to be in love with someone, and you and they will have to settle for love. It is unconditional love, the love you have when you want to see someone shine, the love you have when you would do anything in your power to make the world better for them...come to think of it it's probably the purest form of love disentangled from any of the stickiness of issues such as trust, disagreement, or expectations. The third lesson is that sometimes you break up not because of arguing, or cheating, but because it is the right thing to do. It is worse to lead someone on and let them believe you two will spend your life together, even if it is something you are trying to convince yourself of, rather than end the relationship. You cannot be in a relationship with someone because you feel like you owe them, or because they have done nothing wrong. You should be with someone because you are in love with them, not simply because you love them. Finally, the last lesson I learned...learning...hope to learn is that even if you hurt that person, who deserves nothing but the best, they can still understand your intentions are as pure as they were on day one. You still love them, and you still want the best for them. I hope to learn that you will still let me be there for you, not because I owe you but because I love you, pure and simple. You deserve the best, and while I may not be the man you spend your life with, I would like to be the man, the friend, the confidant who sees that you get all you deserve and more. Please tell me that you will still allow me to be there for you, please tell me that unconditional love trumps all even being in love.

Skin Deep

This post is inspired by one of my best friends, and one of my most trusted confidants, my LB aka LBoog aka Boogie. I want to preface this by saying this post is not about yelling or being angry, but about acknowledging people and their place in your life. Here we go...

Everyone recognizes there are different levels of friendships, for example, the person who works in the cubicle or office next to you; you talk to them, you begin by feigning an interest in their life until eventually you get to the point where you may occasionally go out for drinks. There are those friends from school; you laugh, party, and study together vowing to be friends after graduation. Then, you have those real friends who no matter their or your station in life you can pick up where you left off. Sometimes, if not most of the time, it is hard to discern which friendship you have on your hands, and how to act accordingly.

The situation: You and your classmates from school go to a bar. Now these are classmates who you have studied with, laughed with, chilled with...these are your friends from school. Everyone is feeling quite inebriated (s/o Siggy D) and you are doing what you always do: getting it in on the dance floor. I mean you like to boogie so you doing what you do best. Then, it occurs to you that your friends are gone, fastforward a few minutes, your friends left you at the bar. They tried to call, but you didn't answer. "Gee, I am dancing to loud music whilst being tipsy; is it possible I didn't hear my phone." Did they come in to try and find you? Negative. Did they perform any due diligence to inform you they were leaving? Negative. Got news for you, those are not your friends from school; they are simply your classmates.

Take it for what it is worth. Some friendships, especially those that develop from school or work, are limited to those environments. Don't get mad or cry about it. Understand that when it comes right down to it, these are not people you can truly count on. This isn't to say, shun them or don't party with them anymore. Simply understand it is what it is. There is no need to bend over backward to please them, or fight their battles for them because chances are those actions would not be reciprocated.

Cautionary Note: Now I have been surprised by friendships I have made in the past, that actually stood the test of time and environment. In fact one of my closest friends, who I will be seeing this weekend, we went to the same high school but she was not my friend then. We did not go to college or grad school together, yet still me and her have a close bond that has developed over the years. My point is don't fight the development of a good friendship. Sometimes rare opportunities do come along to make a good friend from what seems like a colleague or co-worker, in fact some of my most loyal friends I met in graduate school, others are from my childhood years. However, there will come a time when you think someone is your friend from work or school, and they do something to prove they are merely a colleague or co-worker; don't get mad or yell, take it for what it is. Skin deep.

Keep Me Hanging On

This blog is dedicated to you, all of you, the people who come into my life and remind me why I am a cynical @$$hole. I was not always this way, I used to trust people. I believed people when they told me their feelings, I allowed myself to be open and honest with them.

When you look up the meaning of cynical, it will tell you: a person disparaging of other people's feelings or motives. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cynical . A cynic is a person who believes the selfishness of others motivates them beyond anything else. I, my friends, am a cynic, and I am rather up front about it. Let me tell you what Webster will not tell you, nobody is born cynic. People are made cynical due to an event or series of events that spark a mistrust in their mind and heart that grows larger and stronger over time. I will not delve into what caused me to become the cynical person I am today, but for the purpose of this blog, I will tell you what keeps me this way.

You may have a friend who you help out. You may help them find a job, go car shopping with them, you are there if they need you; things that any good friend would do. Say by chance, your car breaks down, and you call that same friend, and ask him/her to come an hour out their way to pick you up, but they cannot do so for whatever reason. You my friend keep me cynical. Or perhaps you have a friend (and many will relate to this) of the same or opposite gender, and you guys are tight. Then they begin dating someone, and get engaged, and suddenly you do not hear from them. They barely return your calls, you have not even met their significant other of how ever many years. You my friend keep me cynical. Lastly, refer to my earlier post of "guard your grill". That person who was on their Ps and Qs suddenly cannot seem to answer their phone. You leave them a voicemail, and they call you back hours later with no explanation. (Naturally you do not ask for one because it may be seen as jealousy and you're a man; jealousy is a female trait, and you have not flipped the script yet.) You used to talk before bed, now you barely talk after dinner. You my darling keep me cynical. I congratulate all those who remain trusting or simply somewhat guarded when it comes to the motives of others. You are better than me. But unless you can truly say you are not guilty of any of the above, do not get mad at me for being the cynical @$$hole I am, because after all you keep me this way.

Guard Your Grill

This post is inspired by true events, but since I believe people favor anonymity we will say that this post is inspired in part by Keri Hilson's "Love Knock You Down" song. Everyone has had the experience when they meet someone and there is this crazy, sexy, undeniable vibe between the two of you, and you have to act on it. Sometimes this action may result in spending a weekend together, talking on the phone for hours, or "going in" on the first encounter; it may even involve all three of these. Crazy, right. Thoughts racing, emotions flaring, hormones pumping. You think, "Chill Kamal, relax. This ain't me, I will not allow myself to begin falling for someone I just met. I mean yeah, we kicked it, and the vibe was cool...and I am crazy attracted to her. But you gotta be cool, you gotta play it cool."

Suddenly playing it cool becomes hard. For the next two or more weeks that person is on their Ps and Qs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mind_your_Ps_and_Qs . You really cannot believe this, you are starting to believe this may actually be the real deal. This may be your wifey material or (sorry ladies do not know what you call a man of similar status... hubby material???)You don't want to play yourself, but at the same time if you don't let this person know you digging them they may walk, and who could blame them. Here is what I strive to do (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't): let them in without letting them inside.

They want to get to know you better? Fine. They want to spend the night? Cool. They want to meet your friends? No problem. Here's what you do, they can get to know you better without knowing your secrets. They can spend the night but make sure everything they brought they leave with (hint: toothbrush, comb, shirt). They can meet your friends, they can meet the ones from your job aka acquaintances. Part of the reason breaking up is hard to do is because you have mutual investments involved. Their friends are your friends, their stuff is over your house and vice-versa, they know that the $600 you borrowed senior year of college was not for a credit card bill but for a hospital procedure.

Do not misunderstand me, eventually the person you care for and love should know your secrets, have some items at your place, and know your real friends. But do not mistake those first few weeks or months of bliss for love everlasting. Hell this may be the perfect one for you, but it may not be. Everyone knows I am a cynical a**hole. Maybe my advice does not mean much. However, while they are on their Ps and Qs I think you should guard your grill.

Flip the Script aka Role Reversal

First, I would like to thank my brother for inspiring this post. I hope that today's post will not simply apply to heterosexual men and women, but to homosexuals and lesbians as well. Because whether you are the provider or the nurturer, top or bottom, femme or dom, you may have certain pre-conceived notions of your role in a relationship and in society.

The situation: A guy is home alone with his newborn daughter every weekend, because his girlfriend goes out to the clubs, bars, or simply goes out to be out. The guy has no idea how to care for a child, but since it is not his girlfriend's child (baby mamma drama) he does not feel there is the possibility to reprimand his girlfriend for her actions. Deeper than this, what is so wrong with her actions? Is he upset at being left with a newborn with no guidance, or is he simply upset that his girlfriend is acting like a dude by going out all the time?

Men have always defended the role of man as being the provider. You may perhaps remember the biblical text citing that man's punishment was to toil the earth and woman's to bear children (Adam & Eve's Fall from Grace). Here's the rub: even the bible mixed gender identity with a preconceived notion. Eve's punishment is to bear children, this is a fact; women do bear children. Adam's was to toil the earth, this is fiction; the former is a physiological actuality, whereas this present issue of toiling the earth is a choice or role given to man that could have easily been given to the woman. After all, there is nothing stopping a woman from toiling the earth, but there is an inherent physical hindrance to man bearing children. If you do not understand at this point it is perhaps best you stop reading.

Society has been moving toward equality, not simply in terms of racial equality (which still needs lots of work, a later post, perhaps) but more importantly in the idea of roles belonging to the woman and man. The woman is to be the emotional creature, the irrational one, the one who stays home, and the one who practices fidelity. Man is the one who does not cry, the one who makes the money, the one who thinks logically, and the one who is more susceptible to temptation finding it harder to be faithful(later post I promise). Everyone is guilty of thinking this, I have heard career woman say that it does not matter if the man makes less than them, as long as he contributes what he can and has dinner ready when she gets home. In a gay relationship, the one who sexually fills the role of the woman (bottom) has been speaking up and saying, "That is my role sexually, but don't get it twisted I am a man first." The woman who goes out and party is "loose" or "open for business", while the guy is "social" or "likes to hang out." When you hear a woman is the provider, the gay guy is a fighter, the women clubs all the time you have a certain range of thoughts popping up - - those thoughts are your brain gearing up to assess the roles and the people assigned to them.

The problem is in this society we selfishly proclaim how equal-opportunity we are, or how people should be who they are, while simultaneously condemning and judging the people who do just that. If the career women wanted a man who made more she would be a gold-digger, but wanting someone who takes care of the house makes her a feminist. If the gay guy, sat there with his legs crossed and avoided confrontation, he would be a "flamer" or the other "f-word", but when he tackles confrontation he is "trying to prove a point" or he must be the "top". Men are constantly forgiven for cheating, whereas women are killed for it. In the example above, the man could have explained to his girlfriend, "Look you have every right to go out whenever you please, but I am confused and lonely here and need your help." But wait! That's some real deep emotional stuff coming from a man, and I guarantee you 90% of the people reading are thinking man-up. If you are in the 10% who support this flipping of the script, then congratulations you are way ahead of society.

Misery, Party of Two

A very close friend of mine called me this morning to tell me, “The class is only for refugees and citizens.” “What do you mean?” I asked. “I can’t take the class (sniff).” All the sudden the good day I was having, made a hard left as the pain my friend was experiencing I shared. I am sure three sentences in, you would like some background, so let me back it up a taste.

When I did not pass the July 2009 Bar Examination, I did not cry. I turned off the lights, put on the saddest movies in my DVD collection and laid on my futon in the dark for hours. When I finally picked up the pieces and decided to try again for the February exam, I had an ace up my sleeve. I had found someone who promised to support me and encourage me while I studied for the February exam. It worked! I passed and it was due in large part to the support of this person, who provided for me not only financially but emotionally as well. I owed them big time. Now let us get to the meat of the matter so to speak. This person (who shall remain nameless) is an immigrant from Mexico, who had received no education beyond the 6th grade, when they had to drop out of school to support their family. At the age of 16, they fled to America in the hopes of better options. They have lived in this country since then, and they are one of the most caring, beautiful people I have ever had the good fortune of meeting. This person did more than support me in helping to pass the bar, but they helped quell some inner issues I have struggled with all my life (maybe in a later post you will find these out). The one thing this person desired more than anything else was to get their GED. I was determined to help.

I spent the large part of the summer transporting them to the library for Pre-GED classes, helping them improve their grammar (English is their 2nd language well hell even some people who spoke English first still do not speak it well, [again a later post]). Unfortunately, the time came where I found employment and moved to DC, and my friend was left to fend for himself or herself in finishing the Pre-GED classes, so they could take the GED classes. Then, disorganization and anarchy hit. The past two months of these Pre-GED classes has been a colossal waste of time, if the teacher was not talking about Obama, she was having the class read a newspaper and discussing it. Nothing, if anything, was done to improve overall writing and math skills, a large part of the GED test. In fact, the classes were so bad that several of the more recent ones, my friend got up and left realizing they would learn more reading the books they had on their own. FYI: GED stands for General Educational Development it is the test taken as a substitute or more accurately to displays standard education level equivalent to one who has completed high school in the United States or Canada.

Finally, there seemed to be some hope. Today, my friend went to downtown Brooklyn where there was a five-hour course offered twice a week to prepare students for the GED classes and the GED exam itself. I was happy and so was my friend. Finally, they would be on the fast track to getting their GED. Now does the first line make sense? I feel horrible and most of all I feel helpless. How could someone so deserving of getting what most of us take for granted be constantly foiled by an inept system? I write this blog to express my thoughts and feelings, with the understanding that we have all and will feel this way sometime in our lives. If anyone knows of any private tutors in Brooklyn, or a good GED class please let me know. Otherwise, you can read this blog in silent assent, and understand misery does not have to love company; sometimes being a good friend means vicariously experiencing the good and the bad. This does not mean I am in favor of pity parties, but sometimes in order to show true sympathy, you must start with empathy. Misery party of two.

Gift of Gab

Speaking to a friend the other night, I became a little critical of his lifestyle. I told him straight up, I could not keep up with you, man you are always going out. He responded, "You are the social one, everyone talks to you, you are very popular. I actually keep to myself a lot." I thought about this for a while, because it was the second time that week that someone had called me popular. I chose my words very carefully: "I am not social or popular, but I do have the gift of gab. I could probably talk my way out of a prison camp if I really tried, but that does not make me a socialite or popular."



The term "gift of gab" generally refers to someone who has the ability to talk readily, glibly, and convincingly. The term became popular in the 14th and 15th centuries in relation to the legend of Blarney Stone of Irish fame (@ Blarney Castle). The legend holds that someone who kisses the stone is endowed with the "gift of gab" specifically the the ability to deceive without offending. The word "blarney" as a result of this legend has the similar definition of "empty flattery" or "beguiling talk". As an attorney I do feel the need to explain this, now back to the story.



It was odd that I would have this conversation and simultaneous revelation, a week after I was down due to the fact that I did not have any talents or hobbies. I even went so far as to google "finding a new hobby." (Sidebar: I will be taking cooking and dance classes in the near future, let me know if you want to join.) It's funny to me that I never once evaluated my own worth in the community or society as a whole, especially in light of the famous quote from Socrates, "the unexamined life is not worth living." I think to be honest, I knew the fact that I have friends born and raised in Asheboro, NC or from Fairmont, WV as well as friends from Brooklyn, NY; Guyana, Los Angeles. I have friends who are from upper class backgrounds and have only been around caucasians there whole life, and friends from lower middle-class who have only been in the urban arena.

I have never feared meeting new people, and to be honest never gave it much thought. This is apparently, a gift I possess and was not cognizant of. Obviously, to me it really is not a gift at all, as I would love to be able to write poetry, or dance, or invent a new meal, but I guess I will have to settle for the gift of gab. Being able to speak to anyone from any background, befriend them, and feel comfortable in various situations that other people simply fear or cannot be a part of. I count myself lucky not for simply my ability to speak well, but for finding a hidden gift that I was endowed with. Best part is, I did not even have to travel to Ireland and kiss a rock that millions of lips have touched.