Defense Mechanism or Damage Control

Is it a defense mechanism or is it damage control? Are you trying to prevent someone from hurting you or have they already harmed you in some way? Do you consciously perform this action or are you completely unaware that you are doing it?

The idea of a defense mechanism is that when an organism (plants do this too) sense impending danger their mind and body automatically react to shield itself from the harm. The idea of damage control is that when dealing with a problem that endangers or jeopardizes some endeavor certain actions are necessary to deal with or minimize the effect. Damage control as you see by its definition is usually in response to something already occuring and it is a conscious decision or action. Damage control can often, and usually does involve planning. For example, some animals secret gas or poison which is triggered by fear and fear alone. Other animals, like a skunk for example, who does not produce a lot of the noxious sulfuric gas, strives to only use the gas when called for. Skunks make a conscious damage control decision.

Now it is my firm belief that we as humans, knowing what we know about general or basic psychology, are quick to label our actions or inactions as defense mechanisms. We do this because it takes the blame off of us, and puts it on our minds or experiences from our youth. The fact is we have very little actual defense mechanisms. Sure there are certain things we do that we may not be conscious of doing, always making jokes when we are nervous, becoming more aware of our surroundings when we are scared (flight or fight response), or even turning red when we are angry.

Let's be clear I am not saying this to imply that everything we do that we call "defense mechanisms" are bad. In fact, I think for the most part if nothing else they come from good intentions. For example, if you see your friend or close family member is being teased or pushed around, without even thinking you may defend them through words or actions. One common damage control plan that is often labeled as a defense mechanism is something I myself am guilty of, and that is cutting people out of your life. A lot of times when someone hurts us the thing we choose (because it is not automatic) to do is to delete their number, delete their email address, and forget they ever existed. This is not, in my opinion, a defense mechanism. This is damage control. There is no perceived fear of impending danger, the fact is that person already hurt you in some way, and you perform this "tech-cleansing" in an attempt to get them out of your head. While I personally, do not do the whole number or email deletion, I do try my best to cut them out. It is not out of revenge, but because you aim to minimize the damage this person can do. Like I said, it is not automatic, but that does not mean you have ill-intentions.

Now a word of advice and I tell this to everyone who does the "tech-cleansing" in their attempt at damage control. If you no longer have their number, won't it be easier for them to call, you not recogize the number and then answer which is counter-productive. Or if you do recognize the number because quite honestly you memorized it, then what purpose did it serve by deleting it. I hope you did not think you were hurting them by deleting them out your contacts, as Dane Cook said deleting them from your phone does not delete them from the world, lol. Sidenote: his stand-up is hilarious. In summary, be careful what you consider a defense mechanism and damage control. There is nothing wrong with either, but with damage control there is an emphasis on the word control. You do not have to perform the action like you do when you sweat cause you're nervous. We can change what we do for damage control, and we can decide what situations call for it. No matter what just make sure your heart is in the right place, and you are not acting in an effort to cause pain, that is no longer damage control because it will not minimize the effect of what was done to you.

Let's Talk About Sex

Those who know me, know that I do not shy away from the subject of sex. Those who know me best, know that sex to me is...but this is not about me. This is about you and this is about society. In our society today, SEX has become probably the most over-saturated theme, idea, progression, movement, mantra, "use whatever ideological word here". Sex has lost meaning, it has become such a fundamental basic principle in our thought processes that the idea of someone actually holding onto their virginity has become the taboo.

How did things get so bass ackwards (this is a play on the words ass backwards)? To be honest I don't know, what I do know is whatever set things in motion created a snowball effect. The more sex we saw in the media, the more we thought about it, the more we thought about it the more we discussed it, the more we discussed it, the more we wanted it, the more we wanted it, the more the media shows it. This endless cycle has fallen so out of control that...well let's look at some figures. In 1975, the adult entertainment industry pulled in roughly$5-10 million; currently it pulls in roughly $4 billion dollars ... not accounting for pornography viewed on cellphones. This figure is steadily and will continue to increase as sex becomes more and more commonplace in our society.

Some people think this is great. Woo hoo! More people talking about sex gives me more opportunity to get laiiid *in my best fratboy college voice*. Here's the rub though when you make sex this common, this fundamental, this everyday subject, then how do you keep it exciting. I'm not talking about sex intercourse itself, obviously you can do it in public, on a plane, the 96 position, using toys, with groups, online, etc. (I will not comment on which ones I have done, thanks). I'm talking about sex...the topic of sex. At this point in time, I never hear anything I have not heard before. There is nothing fresh and new when it comes to sex. It used to be the case that you had to feel people out before talking about sex, or you would get excited (not like that, normal excited) when people discussed sex. It's such a normal thing know that discussing it has become almost boring. Sex has become expected.

If a girl does not give it up, you think either she's lame or she's not into you. If a guy does not want to have sex, he must be gay. At the same time, if you put out on the first date, he's going to think you are a hoe. Shaking my head. Don't even get started on virgins. They are a rare breed, and worse since sex is so expected we expect a rationale behind their virginity.They must be really religious. They must have started to try it but it hurt so they stopped. God forbid they just want to hold onto the little virtue the rest of society starting giving up in the 70s. The bottom line is sex is everywhere, and the topic of it is so commonplace that it has become mundane. I could randomly pick a number out of my phonebook and start talking about sex (except my grandparents, they old school), and the person on the other end would chime in. I could go to a website, make a call or walk down the street, and find someone who would gladly have sex with me tonight. Like most of my blogs I offer no solutions, merely an assessment of the situation. As much as I love...ahem...I could not offer a solution even if I tried. However, I challenge everyone who is reading this to find a virgin or someone who shies away from the subject of sex...and send them my way so I can turn them out! Joking, joking. Seriously, these people are hard to find, and maybe they are lucky because for them sex is still a new and excitingly fresh meaningful thing. For us...it's just sex.

Down-Low Brothas

For the purposes of this blog DL Bruhs may sometimes be referred to "suspect" dudes. Also, a disclaimer: this is in no way meant to judge anyone on their lifestyle, call anybody out, or hurt anyone's feelings. This is simply my brief evaluation of a situation that is so taboo even our bold Western media strives to avert its eyes. Finally, a preface; "down-low brothas" refers to black men who are not simply "in the closet" but go about life as a seemingly straight man, may have girlfriends, may have a wife and kids, but all the while is screwing men on the side. These DL guys are suspected of being the root cause to the HIV/AIDS outbreak in the African-American community because they have sex with men contract the disease and then go home to sleep with their wives, girlfriends, or other men. See nobody talks about it, not too much is done to take action. This subject alone has been written about, filmed about, studied in various psychology programs, and while receiving critical acclaim never receives wide-spread support because in its nature it is taboo.

Suspect dudes are everywhere. Let's call a spade a spade. They are your brother, your best friend, your boyfriend, one of your boys, your drugdealer, your father, uncle and cousin. While many have tried to suggest signs of identifying a DL brutha, there is no tell-tale way. Well my friend does not watch any sports, so he must be gay? Maybe. This guy has nothing but female friends, he must be gay right? Perhaps. Well he hit me up asking if I wanted to go to the bar or get drinks, so he must "get down" (another term used to signify down-low behavior)? He may, I'm not sure. The fact is you never really know for sure who a suspect dude is. Chances are he is the dude who looks a little too long at another dude who just entered the room. At the same time chances are he is the dude who is looking too long at the girl who just walked by, in his vain effort to fit in. Chances are he wants to drink with you at your house no females around. Chances are he wants to go out and get drinks so he can check out other dudes and get a feel for you in a social environment. As I said there is no sure fire way to tell.

Why is this more a problem in the black community then the white community? Simple, homophobia is worse here. Yeah you read/hear about the hate crimes occurring and it is almost always a Caucasian on both sides of it. But I promise you, I promise you (in my best Kevin Hart voice) it exists so badly in the black community it is not worth covering. To make matters worse, the advent of faster internet and online hook-ups have made being a suspect dude easier. All they have to do now is log on, find someone, meet up, do their thang and go back to their seemingly heterosexual lives. They don't have to worry about being caught by someone they know coming onto a guy or kissing a dude because none of the action has to see the light of day anymore. Log on, exchange info, text/vid chat, meet up in private, finish and leave. In fact, it is my belief (and feel free to fight me on this) that internet hook-ups have become so easy and commonplace for DL bruhs that it not longer offers them a challenge, know what their new challenge is: flipping straight men. "Suspect" guys have now turned to creating more of them as their new challenge. It is a goal: befriend someone believed to be straight, get close to him, and then see how far he lets you go. I guess, let me put myself out there a bit...I have a problem with this. Number one, if this "straight" guy lets you go far with it, then bottom line you did not flip anyone he was already down low just better at playing it then you were. Number two, if he stops you before anything of a sexual nature occurs, he will probably do so with his fist or worse...

Now obviously there is a lot more I can say on this. But I try to keep my blogs somewhat short. Also, I am only allowed to use my lunch break to blog, cannot do so during work hours. So...yeah, lol. Anyways. This was a quick overview of a much larger subject matter. I offer no solutions, only an evaluation. At bottom, there is no sure way to tell a DL bruh from a "straight" dude. Chances are a number of people you know are DL. Chances are even if they aren't the way the popularity for it grows, they are curious about it. I hope you don't punch your good friend in the mouth for dapping you up too long.

I think the best thing for DL/Suspect bruthas to do is to tell someone. I know homophobia is literally a "killer" in the black community, but tell someone. Someone you can trust, and someone who will not judge you, and not someone else who is DL. I think having someone to talk to honestly and openly will increase your openness to live a more honest life. But hey this is just my opinion, as most people know I don't have room to judge, lol. Anyways point is, be aware, make a friend, and be safe.

Pretty Girls

This post is inspired by my friend Monique and my uncle Jay, otherwise known as Shawn Carter or Jay-Z. In the song 22 Twos, he said two lines that ring true to this day, "Too many bitches stuck up from too many sexual advances" and "Too many ladies give these niggas too many chances." I will address them in order.

Stuck-up females. This happens a lot, specifically in major cities, you have a lot of pretty women who are constantly gawked at, flirted with, told how sexy/phat/banging/dammmmmmn they look, and it inflates their ego to the size of Pangea. This results in two things: women thinking they are the ish, and immediately dismiss men (when the whole time I was trying to tell you that you dropped your purse), and it results in a lot of men not stepping up to women because of that constant fear of rejection. Fact: you are beautiful. Fact: your attitude and overall demeanor makes you lose out on potential men. Fact: If you had not been told you were beautiful and pretty by every dude you pass, you would be a lot more down to earth and probably would have met Mr. Right by now. Women fail to realize that despite their best efforts to weed out the lame ones or the losers; they are in effect bypassing men who refuse to deal with stuck-up women. Think about it, if a guy who knows his credit score, his career path, and his potential talks to you at a bar, and you immediately shut him down; shit why should he keep trying. I know I know, you think why he giving up so easy, I don't want a dude who's a quitter. But did you ever think that similar to you, he knows his weight in gold and he isn't going to sit there chasing a stuck-up female when the shy girl at the other end of the bar who looks almost as good is at least willing to hold a conversation. (This reminds me to tell guys please stop chasing these females, guaranteed 98% are not worth it in the end, unless you videotape it for your collection *wink, wink*). Also ladies, well specifically Pretty Girls, it is true that pretty much any heterosexual male will gladly take you into the bedroom if offered the opportunity. Every dude, and I mean EVERY dude has one or multiple female friends. So if you a dude is being friendly to you, it could just be that he is making you a friend. Not because you're bad means I wanna fuck...least not right away.

Second, too many ladies are giving niggaz too many chances. Seriously, ladies there is a reason why they call it a learning process. There is a reason why it is called growth. Stop dealing with the same caliber dudes and then swearing all dudes are the same. No, darling (in my Martin voice) all niggaz are the same, all men are different. You know what you getting into from the jump so don't act startled when history repeats itself. If the cat you're dealing with makes mistake after mistake after mistake after mistake, then guess what? Your dumbass stayed two mistakes too long. Really that is all I have to say on that. Same applies to dudes, and I myself am guilty of giving people too many chances. So lest I be a hypocrite I will be taking Jay's advice and applying it evenly.

Activism, So You Think

This post is a follow-up to Monday's post: State of Affairs. It is also a response to feedback I received in regards to that post, so away we go.
This post is for those who want to make improvements and to those who claim to be making strides to empower and improve the community. In years past, I have tutored, mentored, led forums, and wrote papers that specifically addressed the "State of Affairs" in question. I have learned a few things in doing this. One, you cannot hope to change the ignorance or ineptitude of the black community by having a forum or workshop that charges a fee to attend. Trust me, these pseudo-thugs and hoodrats will not pay to sit and be told about themselves. You know who will come, people like myself. People who already know about the problem. This is an example of "preaching to the choir". Similarly, doing the outreach in a community that has a high retention rate in the schools, low truancy rate, or higher income has the same effect.

When I have done "real" outreach in the past, I did it either at the schools, in which you are almost guaranteed to reach your target audience, or as a field trip. If you do it at the high school or middle school, Joe Thug, will happily skip class to go to a forum where he believes he can zone out and talk to his friends. (This is where good teachers come in to help keep the peace). Additionally, I did test-prep workshops free of charge at my school or at other community-neutral locations during the school hours. Again, this reaches your target audience because the kids take a field trip during their hours to learn something they will not learn in class. Doing this after school hours or at community centers while beneficial is unlikely to hit the nail on the head so to speak.

When doing these workshops and forums I speak on the level of my audience, the "real-talk" level. Lol, I am sure it sounds weird when I do it, but when you lead a forum on bettering yourself and proving to be a role model, the worst thing you can do is talk down to the audience from your haughty-taughty pedestal. All you will get is a bunch of tweets like listen to this bourgeoise-ass n***a. Be honest with them, I have a best friend who got shot, and yes I have friends who have been locked. And if you cannot relate to them, find someone who can. Trust me telling them about your life in private school, or in a predominantly white area is not going to do anything but fuel their anger and ignorance.

If you are serious about outreach, then reach your taget community. Do your research, get your feedback and make improvements. Everywhere I have gone, I have been invited back, and even received a few underage Facebook requests (hey, no judgments here, that's a sign of effectiveness). When people ask what will I do I simply tell them engage in intellectually stimulating conversation because that is what a workshop/forum/mentoring program is. Could I go out to Queensbridge and hand out leaflets? Bad example, I actually have done that, but guess what leaflets got tossed but the conversation sank in and hit home. I could run for office, but let's be honest I have too many skeletons in my closet for that. In summary, if you want to be an activist, an effective one, these are my thoughts. If you claim to be one, then allow me to quote from a good book (in the spirit of Founder's Day), "[...] but before you inflate yourself with pride, ask yourself honestly what have I done."