F*#kin Perfect

A group of friends and I recently discussed the value of aesthetics in certain communities, specifically the value we place on appearances. Now some conjectured various reasons or rationales behind it, but at the end of the day we all are aware that society as a whole has placed certain ideas of what makes one beautiful on us. In Japan they want wide eyes like Americans, in America we want to minimize our eyes to look exotic. A few months ago I was out on a date with this girl (promise I am not digressing), and she commented that she had never been out with a guy like me. She felt as though she was really getting to know me. She said most black men are so reserved, or only dress a certain way, talk a certain way, etc. I told her I am who I am. It took me a very long time to become comfortable in my own skin. It was not until I became comfortable in my own skin, (which, by the way, is more recent than you may even dare to guess) that I was able to present myself to others the way I truly feel and am.

When I was a kid I hated my height, my head, and my ass. Do not snicker, you read correctly. The head and height were obvious.Like Skee-Lo I wished I was a little bit taller because no girl wanted a dude shorter than her, and to be honest I did not want one taller than me. My head was a source of relentless teasing and bullying as a child into my teenage years. My ass is a little bit more complicated: in grade school up to high school I had to wear a uniform. And my uniform pants hugged my waist pretty tight, I tried to sag like the other guys but my ass got in the way. I did not want people to see I had a big butt so I would walk tucking it in, which in effect made it look like I was poking my stomach out. Yeah, yeah yuck it up. But I promise if you did a searching inventory of yourself, you too would find you did some dumb things in a veiled effort to minimize what you perceived your flaws to be.

And that's the thing I realized as I said quite recently. These are the flaws we perceive, but if you accept them as not flaws but characteristics of who you are you will find yourself more comfortable and ready to embrace who you want to be. Now recently I published a post dealing primarily with fitness " Look At Me Now ." I want to emphasize that this is in no way suggesting that you need to fit some ideal society or you yourself feel is necessary. Simply meant to promote health and overall fitness consciousness because it does affect your life. With that said I want today's post to make sure that people understand everyone has flaws and everyone thinks they are the worst thing in the world. This weekend I attended my friend's wedding (see Facebook pics). Now my friend is one of the most gorgeous women I know, and anyone who knows her knows this. Although she is beautiful on the inside and outside she has told me about things she would love to alter about herself, which are things an outside could not possibly understand because it is her body and they are flaws she perceived since being a child. And she is not the exception, she is the rule or common happenstance.

Now granted you may feel like there is a contradiction with someone who loses 13 lbs through diet and exercise, then tells you to accept who you are. I am not one to mislead so I will explain. Nutrition and fitness I can control, the shape of my head, my height, my other flaws I cannot. The point being that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses both physically and mentally. Often times our physical flaws become a mental weakness because they are subjects we are sensitive about. However, the sooner you realize it is what makes you perfect for you; the sooner you can feel comfortable in your own skin and present yourself to the world like an individual and not a stereotype or worse the shell of the person you would like to be.

It's My Perogative

Shall we begin with this thought:  you are in control of your destiny and your life. We can all agree that some of us may have started in a higher place socially or economically than others, but aside from birthrights, you are in control ultimately of your life and the people in it. This does not end here...no, you see you are also in control of what you do on a day-to-day basis. I know, you are shocked! K. Jobe whatever do you mean I am in control of what I do daily. You're wrong, I have certain obligations, priorities, responsibilities.

Granted if you have kids you should feed, clothe, shelter them daily, if for no other reason then to do otherwise would be breaking the law, and you may be arrested and charged for child neglect. Granted you should go to work everyday, if for no other reason to do otherwise would cause your termination and subsequent economic hardship. Granted if you go to school you should do your homework, if for no other reason then not failing, getting kicked out and losing the time and money invested. I am talking about outside of those things. I am talking about hanging out with people you do not care for, volunteering for positions or jobs you do not want to do, going to events you have no interest in, drinking or partying when you want to be home in bed playing video games or reading a book. If you do not want to do it, then do not do it. Declining invitations will not or should not make you a social pariah unless you do so far too often, in which case you are a social introvert.

A lot of people may feel like they know how to do this but I guarantee you very few practice it. I see people on a daily basis who are a member of a crew they only care 75% for. Well here's a quick-fix, only hang out with the ones you like. Sure it sucks to hurt someone's feelings, and I am not suggesting you throw stones in a glass house (meaning do not go out insulting others when if the same was done in retaliation you would break), but I am suggesting you do not put yourself in situations you do not want to be involved in simply to appease others. Furthermore, if you do not really consider someone a friend, then stop talking to them and hanging out with them. You can always be cordial (I always am) but simply decline invitations to chill or have in-depth conversations, eventually they should get the point. What is always funny to me, is when people put themselves "out on a limb" for a friend? Whether emotionally, financially or professionally, and then get upset when that person does not return the favor. If they do not want to return the favor that is on them, and truth be told you should not be lending someone money if you cannot afford to. You should not be getting someone a job, when you either just started one or do not have one. In this dog eat dog world you have to look out for #1. Do not be mad at them for following the social contract, simply learn to only do favors when you actually want to or would like to do them for that person. P.S. it is not rude to tell them you are doing them a favor, so there is no confusion you are doing it for their sole benefit, and would appreciate some reciprocity. Like I said I am not trying to be mean, but state the facts. I have been socially amoured for the latter half of my life, and to be honest a large part of that was a result of doing things I did not really want to do.

I emphasize really because I want it to be clear. I am not going out beating village, women, and children against my will. Or doing something else I have staunch beliefs against. It can be as simple as someone inviting me to see a movie or go to a bar when I am tired. Eventually I am persuaded to go, and then kicking myself in the ass for being out $60 and not even having that much fun. Well then stop it. If you do not want to go out, do not go. Guess what else? You do not even owe anyone an explanation. "Kamal how come you are not coming to _____?" "Cause I do not feel like it." That should be the end of it, now chances are I will tell you why not such as sleepy as hell, out of town, other things to do, etc. Final thought: if I have given you any type of explanation as to why or what I am doing, please do not inquire further. It's rude as hell. The other day someone asked why I would be late. Told them I have a funeral to go to. They not only asked who died, but how they died and how I know the person. On another occasion, I told them I have a meeting after work. They asked what was the meeting for and when did it end. Seriously, that is not okay. If I want you to have my itinerary I will hire you as my personal assistant. Until then stop watching my moves.

Cubiquette & Office Space

We all know what it is, or what it must feel like to work in a cubicle workspace. I, for one, have never been a fan of it, and dislike it even more than I used to. This is not because you need push pins or tacks to decorate, or because you have no say in the color or layout, but mainly because some people do not follow the simple rules of cubiquette (yes cubicle etiquette). The rules mainly deal with respecting people's workspace and allowing peace and quiet for people to work. These rules are simple, but essential, and if you realize you have been or are in breach of one; slap your wrist and rectify the problem. So allow me to lay them out for you.

1. Bring headphones! I cannot express this rule enough. If there is one thing your co-workers will literally hate you for is because you have the nerve to listen to the radio, watch youtube videos, or even have the "do doop" sound playing aloud from your computer. At my job I often have to listen to hearing tapes, and while some may be funny or sad, nobody else needs to hear what I am listening to. Headphones are also helpful for when people are talking nearby and you need to tune them out, see: rule 3.
2. Keep your phone on silent and nearby. I have heard the Super Mario ringtone, some Arabian Nights sounding shit, and the super old school ringtone I thought died out with Zack Morris's cell phone. While the first time it happens it usually is a source of amusement, but the 2nd time and/or the 3rd ring, its crossed the line into pissing someone off. Now obviously, you may have an important call coming in, or maybe you just don't want to miss a tweet or status update, which is why you keep it nearby so the second an important call does come you can get up and leave. Yes...get up and leave. I will say it again, get up, and leave. If you do not have an office, it is probably in your best interest to take the call out in the hallway unless you know it will be a quick call. Because if I overhear you talking about how such and such got chlamydia, but that "ain't even the half of it" I am not only listening to your convo but I am alerting the local Health Board to notify them. This is especially to those whose voices carry, see I know I can talk loud, especially if I'm a bit inebriated so I tend to either whisper on the phone, not take personal calls at my desk, or get up and walk to the hallway.
3. Mind yours. This applies to life in general, but if I am having a conversation in my cubicle, and you overhear (which is likely considering its only a cubicle) please do not interject yourself into the conversation. Now there are exceptions to this rule: if you are offering something of equal or greater amusement value (and it better be funny), or perhaps we are discussing a work situation and you actually know the answer or have some helpful info. The worse thing you could do, and this has happened, is overhear me and such and such talking about how great a movie was and you interject to say you did not like it. No bueno.
4. Get some exercise. Do I want you walking back and forth behind or in front of my cubicle. No! At the same time I damn sure do not want to hear you yelling to John over the cubicle walls. In addition, yelling over the cubicle walls is dumb in the first place because it's a cubicle I can hear you as long as you are not whispering.
5. Cubicles do not make a community. I think some people feel like they sit so close to each other it is okay to constantly be at the other's cubicle, or looking to see what they are doing. No, ma'am. Now maybe we are friends, and I am friends with a few of my co-workers, but that does not make it okay to stop by ALL the time. Or look at my computer and ask questions about what I may be looking at or who I may be talking to.

Follow these simple cubiquette rules, and everyone will find you pleasurable to work with.

Mama's Boy, Ode To

I previously dated a girl who asked if I was a mama's boy, I told her yes I was. Down the line she questioned how I was able to do my own laundry, iron, cook, fix things, essentially care for myself; I of course had the "huh" face. Apparently some people are under the impression that a "mama's boy" is a b!tch @ss dude. No, sir. You see a mama's boy is a man who was raised to be independent. My mother taught me to do my laundry and iron by the time I was 12/13. I had begun making my own hot chocolate (using the microwave) by the time I was 6 or 7, and knew how to fix eggs, cereal and toast before I was 13. I knew how to clean the bathroom and vacuum from when I was 8 or 9. To be honest I barely remember the times when I did not know how to clean a house, do my laundry, make food, or take care of my needs.

I always believed a prime example of the capabilities of a mama's boy were children who grew up in a single-family home. Children who grew up knowing how to care for themselves at a young age because often times that one parent was off working hard to put food on the table. Well, I come from a two-parent home, so even though I did not need to learn the skills to survive as a child; my mother took care to teach me so that I could survive as a man. A mama's boy grows up to be a real man, not simply because he knows how to care for his house, food and personal hygiene, but additionally he understands how to treat a woman.

Honestly, think about it. A mama's boy loves his mom above many if not all others. Sidenote: the idea that a man would choose his mother over his girlfriend is preposterous, and any woman who believes that, or even worse, has the audacity to say it to the man deserves the betrayal and/or subsequent break-up that is sure to come. Insecurity is already unattractive, do not play yourself comparing yourself to his mother, never a good look. Now if you believe you are dealing with a mama's boy, but he does you dirty. Maybe he does not know how to care for himself, or cannot seem to get his act together. Then you are likely not dealing with a real mama's boy, but rather a real [insert all the expletives you want here]. As a mama's boy, you know how to treat a woman with kindness and respect. If there is one thing any mama's boy knows, assuming his mom took the time to tell him, is to respect a woman and never make her cry. You would not be a real mama's boy if you listened and followed your mother's instructions carefully when it came to surviving as a man, but ignored the bit on how to treat a woman. After all, treating someone you love with kindness and respect is not only a part of being a real man, but it is what a mama's boy should know how to do best. Happy Mother's Day!

Look At Me Now

One of my favorite mottos since 2007 is: It's Not Fitness, It's Life. This is the mantra of the premier Equinox Fitness Club. I bring this up because for the past week I have felt off my game. You know the expression "when it rains it pours", well it has been pouring rain since last Thursday/Friday. I felt this was primarily due to not exercising for a week. Once I got back in the gym, I had a better perspective on things.

About a month ago I discovered that when I switched offices, the gym I was currently a member at had a location next to what would be my new office. However, in order to transfer my membership I would be asked to pay $30 more a month and sign a one-year contract. This was obviously no bueno. I immediately notified them I would be cancelling my membership. From then on I began scouting new locations and possible alternatives. In addition, a co-worker and myself, began tag team negotiations with corporate and the new gym location to get a better deal. We pulled out all the stops: pledging more members, quoting competitive gym specials, phone calls, emails. Meantime, I was scouting out possible alternatives, factoring convenience, schedule, time driving or on the train, and of course rates. After one week, we succeeded securing our current rate at two more locations.

A call to fitness is not one I take lightly, nor do I think anyone should. It is not about looking good, although that helps, but moreover about feeling good and staying healthy. I recently completed a challenge with a friend, the terms were to lose 10 lbs in the course of 35 days. I accepted this challenge and met my goals through a comprehensive diet plan and exercise. No red meat, fried foods, pork, carbs after lunch, dairy after lunch, no eating after 9pm, no liquor (especially beer), and no sugars (white or brown, honey serves as a good substitute). I worked out 5 days a week, which included a day and a half of only cardio (running or biking). I allowed myself 1-2 cheat meals a week, and once every 2 weeks allowed myself 3 drinks max (again no beer and no mixed drinks).While the challenge is over, the desire to maintain what I achieved remains the same. I see the results in my clothes, in my face, and in my energy levels. Those who know fitness, know there is no better feeling than to feel in shape.

Again I repeat, this is not about looking good. You can be 100 pounds or 250 pounds, but the goal is to feel fit and healthy. It can be something as simple as riding your bike to work, walking 3 miles a day, swimming, or hitting the treadmill three times a week. The point is if you do not take fitness seriously, you do not take life seriously. Fitness is health and health is your life. Unfortunately, my job requires me to come face-to-paper with people who have often chosen unhealthy lifestyles, and the effect it has on them and their overall health is often underestimated. This post is not meant to scare, tease, or show off. Although the title may suggest otherwise. However, when all is said and done you do feel more confident and your swag is much higher. They say getting old is a b!tch. Well I intend to fight her off as long as I can. In sum, it's not fitness, it's life. See photo below.