Pretentious Behavior, Ode to the DMV

Disclaimer: I love DC and I love PG. I am even growing to have "positive feelings" about Montgomery County and select cities in Virginia. This blogpost is simply an observation of what I have noticed in the past 6 months since I relocated here. If what I write bothers you, you know how to get in contact with me or leave a comment on the page.

Let's be honest this area known as the DMV (DC, Maryland, Virginia) has some of THE most pretentious stuck up ass mofos I have ever encountered. I have been to Miami, L.A., Boston, NY, Canada, throughout the Caribbean, and I can say with 100% certainty people in this area have put themselves on some sort of pedestal of being holier than thou. (I will get to the fakeness in a second). "Hi, my name is Keisha, I got my own place, pay my own bills, drive my own car, and graduated from college. I don't need no man trying to run my life." Well congratulations Keisha, but check this sweetheart, women like you are a dime a dozen. You being independent does not mean your ish does not bleed. You know how there is that saying: "money talks". Well in the DMV it's really the people that talk ...about money. The worse part is most of them are unaware that money is almost all the talk about. They catch themselves believing that they are down to earth and not shallow. When the only thing you are talking about (and this goes for the DMV men too) how much money you spending, things you are going to buy, how much you get paid, how this bill or that item "ain't nothing", yeah I am talking about you. Now it is one thing if I show you my watch or briefcase, and you ask how much it cost, because perhaps you are interested in getting one. It is quite another if you ask how much it cost, and after hearing the price say, "Oh yeah I could buy 3 of them."When you set up your dating standards to include how much money a person makes, or WORSE, how much money they make in comparison to you. Yep, you guessed it, you to me sound like a pompous ass. Hey, if that's you then claim it, but do not call yourself deep and not shallow. You're shallow as hell, OWN IT!

One of the first questions often asked of me is what do I do? Now, this I cannot put on the DMV solely because it happens to be more of an American thing (price you pay for a capitalist society I suppose). However, if I meet you through a mutual friend, there is a group of us drinking and such, and you ask what do I do; in my head I am thinking what business is that of yours. I only met you a few minutes ago, why do you need to know what I do. Then when I respond, "work for the government", I get pressed further. Last I checked, I did not sign any waiver to be interviewed nor was I read Miranda rights for this interrogation. Furthermore, when you tell me what I should and should not be able to afford...that shit annoys me. Get out of my pocket. You know not of what expenses I have, how much I am saving, what I am looking to invest, and moreover it is none of your business. Unless you are assisting me in getting a tax break (i.e. marriage), or signing my paycheck then you have no business knowing my income or my expenses.

Onto the fakeness, which is another huge thing in my Ode to the DMV. This  again is for men and women. Please oh please stop keeping up appearances. People who act as if their life is a reality television show: always out, have multiple dates, spending money they probably don't have (thin line between pretentious and fake). They only want to go places where a lot of people can see them and they want to tweet about it, so you know how much more fun they are having than you. Sidenote: it occurs to me that the times I am having the most fun I never stop to tweet, maybe that is only me though. You act like you get all the females, but if I bring some girls around you, your face is stuck to your phone; ain't shit happening on Facebook man. You act like you can get any dude you want with the snap of your fingers, so why are you in your 30s and still single, oh my fault that's the life you chose, right?! Dude, stop acting like me and you are boys, when nothing could be further from the truth. Check this son, peep this kid, if I am not talking to you outside of social situations we are not friends. Emphasis on that period aka full stop. That is nothing against you, per say, I am simply asking you to not act like you know me when you don't know the first thing about me. Yeah this is a not-so subliminal message directed at more than one person. Last time I ACTUALLY lived here was in 2002, and a lot changes in 8 or 9 years. Hell a lot changes in one year, so yeah check that.

 Another thing these fake people will commonly do is act as if they are your friend. I know you're thinking "Mean Girls", but it is not quite that simple. These people will quickly talk about their own friends behind their back, but not in a way of gossip but almost as in an informative way. "The thing about M is that she sometimes gets in her feelings when this happens..." "I used to date M but then I realized she was not trustworthy". I feel like you should not be telling me negative things about people you call friends, or moreover you should not be telling me negative things about people I only just met. Because if you could talk ish about someone you dated or have known for years then you can clearly talk ish about me, someone you have known for a few months. Then you wonder why I'm not all up on you like the rest of these suckas, please.

Like I said I love the DMV, I am from here and while there has been a stark change in the environment since I left I still love it. I am above all else a people person. Regardless of size, age, color, religion, sexuality, ethnicity I love people. Chances are some people will read this and think I am referring to you, and I most likely am. If you are relatively new to the DMV, chances are you are already becoming infected. Never fear there are many many people in the DMV who are still real. They are down to earth, honest, hard-working, and trustworthy but you have to search for them. They are in the midst. They linger in the basement of 18th Amendment, or frequent Fridays on King Street. You may catch them more often simply in the streets or at home on a Friday night. They are the people who can read this post and say "yep, it's all true". To these people I say, "Congratulations, we are immune to the spread of pretentious behavior."

Bromance

A "bromance" is loosely described as a close  but non-sexual relationship between two heterosexual males. The word is the combination of the two words "brother" and "romance". Now I will admit that I have no idea where the term "bromance" originated. According to Wikipedia, it was coined in the 90s by Big Brother magazine editor Dave Carnie to describe the relationship between skaters. See here. The term became more popular with the introduction of Brody Jenner on MTV's The Hills who, if I am not mistaken, had a show called Bromance for a brief period. No matter how you slice it, in the 2000s the term bromance became commonplace in the language of the late X generation and the Y generation. We see examples of it everywhere: George Clooney and Brad Pitt, Mark Whalberg and Stephen Levinson, Jason Segel and Paul Rudd, which by the way if you still are unsure of what a Bromance is or how it is "not gay" see the movie: I Love You Man with Pal Rudd and Jason Segel; it's filarious (not a misspelled word).



Looking back on my life I never had a "bromance" there was no good friend that I was always out with, or my go-to guy friend whom I could always count on. I have had good friends, even had a crew from my neighborhood that I still chill with regularly. They are without a doubt my oldest and nearest friends, but there was no one person in that group I hung out with more than the rest, not anymore at least. R.I.P. But a "bromance" nope. I know a number of dudes who are in "bromances" whether they are willing to admit it or not. To be honest I secretly envy them. What am I missing out on?


Everyone who knows me knows I have a lot of friends...a lot. They also know that I tend to go above and beyond to see or speak to them all, which tends to stress me out sometimes. I have two really close friends, who probably know me better than my own family. One is a dude, one is a female, neither of them live in the Washington DC area (By the way if you do not already, everyone should have one really close female friend and male friend regardless of your gender or sexuality it is necessary!) However, even if they did live here, I am not sure  a "bromance" would exist. See I get sick of people rather quickly, ask any of my exes (joking, joking). Seriously, I could not hang with the same person all the time regardless of gender, and far be it for me to brag about the skeletons in my walk-in closet; but I could not give someone the low down on my dirty shames. Truth be told I trust certain people with certain information, and I schedule hanging out with friends as if I were an event planner. For the time being,I think this is what works best for me. As I am getting older and defining certain relationships, I grow closer to those I want to stick around. I have few dudes that I am cool with  in and out of this area. I have known them long enough to know what information I can share and what I should not share. I know what venues I can go to with who, and who will intermingle well with certain female friends. It kind of goes back to the previous blogpost Auditions.  I may never have a legit singular bromance, but that's okay because I have enough male friends I am close with to fill a wedding party. (Seriously see the movie).

Old School v New School Part II

Sorry this post has taken so long for me to get to you, but I had some other affairs to handle. In continuing my thoughts from the earlier post Old School v New School: Role Models, the lady at the car dealership also discussed what may be best known as "Facetime". Specifically she says, "these young people don't even know who they talking to and who they dealing with. They spend all their time on the phone and they don't even know," *she turns to look at me* "what color eyes this young man has or they don't even know he got both ears pierced." *I smile*. I smile for two reasons; one being that I still get a tinge of embarrassment when older people address me personally, and two because she is right.

I got my ears pierced when I was 18 years old and attending St. Johns University, Queens, NY. Why has it been the case that several of my Elon alum (the school I transferred to after St. John's) have up to very recently said, "Oh I didn't realize you had both ears pierced." Or why is it that the scar I have had on my left cheek and chin since my 17th birthday went unnoticed by some of my colleagues from law school? I do not necessarily blame phones...not specifically at least. However, when the majority of the time you spend talking to someone is over Facebook, Twitter, Gchat, and text; chances are at the very least there are some physical features that will escape your notice.

Truth is the age of technology has indeed left us lacking "facetime". Kind of odd I would be discussing this the same day one of my brethren says to me, "Is it possible I don't know you all that well?" I told him honestly, it's not only possible it's true. The advent of technology may put our personal private information at risk for identity theft, but it  also allows us to hide who we truly are in some degree. I can tweet about anything, and onlookers would actually believe that what they read is gospel and that is who I truly am. I could update my Facebook profile pictures with only pics of me smiling, indicating I am a happy young man when nothing could be further from the truth (not me specifically, no swandiving for me). I could text you about how I partied hard last night, but truth is if you saw me as I made that bald-headed lie (Martin reference #moretofollow) you would know I did not do anything but drink tea and read a book.

Nevertheless, let our generation not concede defeat. We may lack "facetime" but we are much more connected than our parents generation. I can, and have, planned to go to Hooters or to the mall and within 15 minutes am able to find several friends in the area to join me. I can have several people work on my resume simultaneously. I can find out about networking events with a simple point-and-click. I can have a best friend, who I only see twice a year, and still we know more about each other's lives than the old lady up the street getting 10x as much facetime (nosey ass Ms. Jared).

Additionally, our generation makes "facetime" when we need it. If I want to see my friend in L.A. I will bbm her some dates, while looking up prices on my laptop, subsequently book the trip and forward her my itinerary while she looks up new restaurants for us to check out. If I haven't hung out with my boys in a minute, I will conference text them: "This Friday @ Kings Street Fridays in VA. Imma hold down 3 seats".  Truth be told we are the generation of multi-taskers. Some dangerous such as texting and driving, some productive like finding out about a networking event and inviting 5 people via Facebook, and some for "entertainment" like when I tweeted about a lame venue I was at and was instructed to go to a more popping (fun) place. I like that...I will take that. Granted most people reading this may have said I did not know both ears were pierced, and some may be scratching their head like "What scars!?". The main point is if they wanted to see it they have several methods to contact me and arrange a meeting, OR in the much more likely alternative we have to the old school's "facetime", I could snap a picture and send it to them all on my phone; within one minute they will see two ear piercings and scars. Facetime on demand when we want it, 24/7 multiple methods of connection when we need it. I think new school should get this one.