Death Becomes Her

"If you see me gettin' smaller I'm leavin' don't be grieving
Just got to get away from here
If you see me gettin' smaller don't worry I'm in no hurry I've got the right to disappear"

These are the lyrics to a Waylon Jennings song: "If you see me getting smaller". In the summer of 2009, my grandfather passed away due to complications from his diabetes. Shortly thereafter, it appeared the same fate would befall my grandmother, his widow. At the end of January of this year, it became apparent to my family that my grandmother was not doing well, and she was therefore flown from Grenada to the D.C. area to hopefully receive medical care. I decided to go visit her.

When I arrived at the hospital, my grandmother was like I had never seen her before. Not physically, but mentally. Background: Part of the reason why my grandmother's diabetes had  progressed to this point is due to early-onset dementia that caused her to forget whether or not she took medication, and often made her very angry and withdrawn. (That's right getting old really is a bitch). However, that night...she immediately recognized me and her face lit up upon seeing me.

She talked to me in a way she had not since she moved back to Grenada in 2001. She asked me about my personal life, work, and gave me certain advice that only comes from years and years on this Earth. Then we discussed her...she told me that she would do all she can to stay on this Earth a little longer. If the doctor feels like there is something that can be done to save her, whether it is to amputate her toe, foot, or entire leg. If it will keep her here she will do it; however, if God has a different plan then it is her time to go. She told me she is fortunate to have spent so many years growing and seeing her family and friends, she has lived a great and long life, and if it is time to go then she is ready to join her husband. Words fail to adequately convey the during this conversation.

Sometimes we as people can become selfish. One of the most innocent yet dangerous moments of our selfishness is holding onto something or someone when it is time to let them go. Sometimes we can fight so hard to keep someone around, we never consider whether it is their time to go, and perhaps they are ready to leave. Background: I did not attend my grandfather's funeral because I was studying for the wretched New York State Bar Examination. I realized that I was holding on so hard to my grandmother not because of she had a strong desire to be here, but because I never forgave myself for missing her husband's funeral. For my family, they lost their father/uncle not even 3 years ago, and they fight to keep the last link. The type of selfishness involved here is so innocent and good-intentioned, the word selfish may be inappropriate.

However it is still selfish. It is still me, us, all of us holding on because of the way it makes us feel, for what it does to us. I recall my last year in Brooklyn, I made the acquaintance of a neighbor with two older pitbulls. Anyone who knows dogs, knows the big ones don't last very long. She had these pitbulls for 11 years. One was missing part of its skull and I cannot imagine what the other one was going through. These dogs could barely walk, would barely eat, the zest of their life had long passed. Her veterinarian consistently told her the dogs were in no pain.  Unlike people dogs cannot explain their feelings, but in due time she came to realize these dogs were miserable, they were in pain, and it was time to let them go. Now of course I am not encouraging anyone to euthanize their pet unnecessarily or euthanize a family member at all. I still want my grandmother to live, and we would still do anything to ensure she stays with us as long as heavenly possible, and you should do the same for someone or something you love. But I guess sometimes in life...with death we have to know when to fight and what we're fighting for, while it may not change our course of actions it can give us peace of mind.

P.S. - my grandmother is doing fine now.

And There's the Rub...

It's been a while since I blogged right off pure emotion. Straight from the heart...

You ever meet someone or enter a situation that seems to be really great, appears to be a good fit. Perhaps there are some issues with the person or the situation, but for the most part things look pretty good. Then, as sure as it will eventually rain, you find the one difficulty in the situation, the point where things begin to unravel. There's the rub, ladies and gents.

See that one thing isn't just the one thing because it leads to other things. You may have an employer who has a habit of saying things construed as rude. Unchecked those comments will ultimately become offensive and may even cross the lines of human decency. You may have a friend who does not understand social cues, and often says things that are weird and simply not appropriate at given times. Unchecked this friend could begin creating uncomfortable situations for you and the company you may keep. You may live with someone who is a little OCD when it comes to keeping things clean or constantly has company, and they may make you feel like you are walking on pins and needles in your own living space. Unchecked you may begin to feel uncomfortable and restricted to specific places within your house.

See when you find the "rub", you have to make a critical decision in terms of what you can tolerate and what you will not tolerate. You have to decide is it time to cut your losses and find a better situation, or do you follow the path and see where it goes. The older I get the more my patience increases for the simple things waiting for food at a restaurant, sitting through a bad movie, even tolerating a boring person; however, my patience has decreased for people's actions that make me feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. If I have a boss who is going to say offensive things, it is time to find a new job. If I have a friend who makes people uncomfortable it is time to find a new friend or never hang out with them in the presence of others. If the person I live with is making me feel limited to my bedroom then it is time to move.

The same rationale goes for relationships. You may think you are dating someone great, and then a small thing occurs. There's the rub...most times in the context of the relationship it is something you could forgive in light of the balance of things. Or it is something you both can discuss and agree to make changes on. Then there is something at the core of them as a person something that cannot be changed, or something they may be unwilling to change. In which case a critical decision needs to be made, do you keep with it, in spite of the chances it will unravel, or do you cut your losses?