Back 2 Scratch

There comes a time in your life when you realize "Dammit, I do not want to go back to dating." The getting dressed up, the going out, the meeting people, the initial awkwardness, the figuring out what they like, what they don't like, the small sacrifices, the art of impressing the person, the first time having sex with them, meeting the families -- it goes on and on. It is all one big mess of a shitshow that after a few times doing it, you really have no desire to do it again.

The problem is does that mean you are settling? Are you choosing to be with someone who does not completely make you happy because you figure it's better than to begin dating again, or even worse to be single for the rest of your life. Here is my thing, and granted I am cynical and mildly pessimistic aka realistic. What makes you think you are so worthy as to be happy for the rest of your life? I mean seriously. Some people spend their entire lives battling a disease, or working a job they hate, or dealing with a family that belongs on a 90s daytime talk show. How on Earth did it get into your head that if the person you are dating is not everything you imagined your soulmate to be, then they gotta go? You can retort, everyone deserves to be loved Kamal, but we are not talking about love. We are talking about happiness, everlasting. They are believe it or not two different things.

My mom and dad love me, but that did not stop them from whooping my ass if I stepped a toe out of line. I love some of my friends, but sometimes I wish they would shut the hell up. I bring up these two relationships because these are basic relationships that you can identify with since childhood. So again I ask why do we believe that the person you love and who loves you in an intimate, emotional, and physical way should always make you happy? Why do we believe that at the first sign of trouble we should abandon ship? Now that does not mean that if your boyfriend Chris Brown's you, you try to work it out. But at the same time if he does not think you should buy that car just yet, there really is no need to bite his head off or move out.

There are so many people who do not survive the initial stages of dating that it seems almost...well not almost, it is stupid to throw it all away when the going gets tough. Hey but maybe I am wrong. Being single is awesome, there is complete uninhibited freedom. All decisions are made with you in mind, and you do not need to tell anyone about your moves or actions. I reflect on those days fondly, but it is not without its downs. Cancelled dates, bad sex, spending a lot of money, endless frustration, and the possibility of lonely nights. The question you have to ask yourself at the end of the heated discussion, is do you want to go back to scratch?
 Honestly, if things are bad enough the answer will be a quick yes, but if you begin to hesitate then maybe there's a reason behind it.Nobody is entitled to complete everlasting happiness, all we can do is try to find that person who makes us happy most of the time, and willing to work through the rest.

Reciprocity

In the words of Lauryn Hill: "Tell me, who I have to be. To get some reciprocity." Reciprocity literally means mutual exchange of commercial business or other privileges. "Do unto others as you would have them do onto you" -- this is probably one of the oldest idioms enforcing the idea of reciprocity. The idea of "karma" may be an even larger grand scale idea of what it means to reciprocate. The idea of putting something out there in the universe and whether good or bad it will come back to you in some shape, way or form.

Perhaps it is because of these customs and beliefs that we expect our interactions on a daily basis to have an underlying reciprocal arrangement involved. If I am your friend and I loan you money, I expect that when I am down you would do the same for me. If I am your co-worker and invite you to my birthday lunch, I am expecting that when your birthday swings around you will do the same. If I am your advisor, and you ask me for advice, I expect that when I need advice I can trust that you will do the same. If I am your lover, and I give you time, affection and attention, I expect that you will give me the same. Unfortunately, as you and I both know, it does not always turn out this way.

We often times do our best to please, assuage, listen, and make happy the lives of others. We may do it because it is in our nature, but in the back of our minds we are a little selfish expecting this same caring attitude to come back to us. When it does not, you feel emotionally robbed and quite frankly upset. One of the most explosive arguments begins or ends with: "Oh but it's okay for you to do it" or "When you needed me I was there, but...". The problem is that some people are either unaware that reciprocation is necessary, or ignorant as to how they could reciprocate. What is the solution? I for one have often withdrawn, and instilled in myself the warning to never go out of my way or express myself overtly for that one person; others, I know for a fact, take this approach. Some people may lash out into an argument that either starts or ends with the aforementioned phrases. There are a select few who keep on giving, even when they receive nothing in return.

These are the people I admire. Those who can give themselves physically, emotionally, and sometimes financially to a person with no return in sight. They do it because they expect nothing in return. They require no reciprocity, and there is something amazing about that. Most people reading this would call these people fools. These people will end up drained physically and emotionally (sometimes financially) because they give onto others, but others do not give onto them as they should. While I agree that these people may end up endlessly giving to those who only know how to take. There is a chance that this larger scheme of karma does exist, and I believe it does, and their lives will always be fortunate and have blessings. And here I go being selfish again, wanting all those blessings and fortunes they will receive. But see that is the thing. In aiming to be like these people in the hopes karma, and not people, will pay me back, I am still being selfish and expecting reciprocity. Is there a way I can do all the positive things I have done and continue to do, this day included, and not be upset when the actions are not reciprocated? Is it too late for me to stop expecting a mutual exchange of privileges? The answer to this I do not know. What I do know is that the select few who do not receive reciprocity are fortunate in themselves without the help of karma. Because by the very fact they give and expect nothing, they find joy in the giving, while we are left with only finding satisfaction in the return.