Loss of Innocence

When I was a child I believed the world could find peace. I feared bullies were the end of my world. I aspired to find the love of my life and live happily ever after. I believed, I feared and I aspired. Reflecting back on those feelings I feel sorry that person is gone. Reflecting back I realize how blissful ignorance truly is. I miss the innocence that we have as children, and wonder if had that innocence survived, would a world change truly be in order.

When we are young, our world is small and, as psychologists will tell you, it is very egocentric. However, as such we carry simple but strong beliefs about the world around us and what it is capable. We have not been knocked down by life, we have not had the challenges in life that will surely shape a more realistic view of the universe. War, slavery, imperialism, and racism was something to read about..it was in the history books. I, personally, believed that those days were long behind. It was not until a black manager of a CVS followed me around for 10 minutes in the store before asking me to leave, after I had confronted him, that I understood racism does not necessarily bear a white face. It was not until at my prestigious majority white undergraduate institution did I hear a drunk white guy use the n* word in a derogatory way that I realized discrimination lay hidden barely below the surface.

When we are in grade school through high school, our peers and teachers judgment of us make up the world. Being bullied about the size of my head (true story) caused me so much sadness growing up. I did not want to go to school, and if I went I only talked to females because they would never tease me. Getting into a fight was something I dreaded because somehow I guess I convinced myself serious bodily harm even death could befall me. Reputation was everything and on "personality picture" day it was life or death to have the nicest, flyest clothes. Now the decisions that Congress and the President make weigh heavy on my shoulders. Now the way you vote on a certain issue can rub me the wrong way. Now I have to concern myself with a "terrorist" attacks, drunk drivers, "hate" crimes, and the like. When we are younger we see an end to sight in regards to the things we fear, thinking things will be better when I get home, or when I get to high school. Now there is no end in sight, and we only learn to live with a bit of insurmountable fear because we see no escape from it.

Love. That four letter that comforted me and brightened my future from the time I was a teenager. When we are in  our teens we are convinced that we can get our happily ever after. We do not conceive of the heartache and pain that will befall us in our attempt to find love and to keep love. We are blindly unaware of the people who will use this word in an attempt to get what they want, and we are unfairly blind to the fact that loving someone does not always mean they will reciprocate. We do not yet know that love's all-too-oft-appearing cousin "lust" can confuse, befuddle, shade, and ensnare our senses leading our heart down the wrong path.

These experiences, these trials did more than erase my naivety, they robbed me of my innocence. Once that innocence is gone there is no getting it back. You start to treat the world as a cold cruel place. It is the world that turned against you during your youth forcing you to face cold harsh realities of life. On the flip side of this loss, you gain insight on the value of those close to you. You define loyalty and true friends as the people who help maintain and inspire that youthful playfulness, trust, and comfort that in the back of your mind you still desire. Why else would you experience times of nostalgia? Why else would you reflect so fondly on things from your past? Because they remind you of a time when your thoughts were simple and so was the world, and you can go back to what you lost.

The Man Who Couldn't Love

I am assuming by now we have all been in relationships, and we have all said "I love you" or "I love you too." This blog is for those of us, myself included, who has said I love you to more than one person. We are not talking I love you to mom, grandma, or a good friend. But when you have dated someone for a while and you say I love you to them, and then a year or two down the line feel that you are now in love with someone else. What makes this love different than the last? How do you know that planning the life together with the girl you are currently dating, is any different than the life you had planned with the girl you dated from 2007-2009? A lot of times you may say, well I did love that person but it was not meant to be. Maybe you say I did love her, but I love you more. Or maybe you take the high road and simply say love was not enough.

How do you really know which is love? Maybe you are not loving at all. Perhaps that overwhelming feeling that you could spend your life with this person, is a natural reaction to enjoying the company of another in physical, emotional and spiritual aspects. Each time I have fallen in love it feels stronger than the last, so when do you make the determination that this is really the one? Your peers may say you should be the one that makes you happiest. The elderly will tell you be with the person who will we make a great mother and a great wife. Your mom will tell you, if she can't use her comb, don't bring her home. Just kidding...a little.

Let's get down to brass tactics. I am the same in every relationship. I am a Leo man true and through. Feel free to learn more here. I am over the top when in love, and the person who I give this love to is the center of my universe. This is great for my lover, but a smidgen confusing for me. Is my perfect match the person who willingly accepts me showering them with love and affection without taking me for granted? Is the perfect match the person who can match me toe to toe in making love priority #1? Or is it the fact that the reason I am asking all these questions because I still have not actually fallen in love or been in love. Maybe some of you reading this can feel the same, and wonder is the feeling you have experienced, are experiencing, will experience again, is that really love? I am a philosophy major so I will always question the world and myself, starting with my own feelings.

I have friends who are happily married. I have friends who seem like the happiest couples. I have more friends who have simply settled for what is adequate. Is finding love a matter of finding the right one, or a matter of actions within the relationship itself? I recall reading a book sometime ago. In this book, a man requested advice from a therapist he met. He told the therapist that he did not love his wife anymore, and was not sure what to do. The therapist replied, "Love her. Love is not a thing, it is not a noun. Love is something you do. It is a verb. You love someone. You cannot lose love and you cannot find it. You make it, you act it." I like this line. I believe that if you want to love someone then you can, and if they love you back you can make it work. I guess the answer to my earlier questions is simply that the one for me is the one who will love me back, and make it work against all odds.

TechnoLove

You ever wonder what technology has to do with love? It helps people find love right? You can find your perfect match on Match.com or find the initial spark with Chemistry, or take your chance with local speed dating events. Sure these things are all true, but the converse also occurs. What happens when you are in a relationship on Facebook? Everyone wants to know who you are dating, what do they look like, and of course they want to see pictures of you two together. When you get into a fight with them and change your status to It's Complicated, or you update to say, "Why dudes always gotta blah blah yadda yadda" people comment on your status. If you are on twitter and tweet about how you can't stand when...you get the point. Furthermore, a grass is greener on the other side effect takes hold. I will discuss what I mean by this later.

First, let us discuss how prior to social networking when two people were dating, it was their business and not the world's. Obviously, we still have couples who elect to keep this private, myself included, except when forced to do it by the person I am dating...but I digress. Something happens when you expose a relationship everything is put under the microscope, and people freely comment on your pictures, places you visit together, heck you become a local celebrity. And like all celebrities the demise is a better show then the relationship itself. Now the problem is not necessarily announcing you are in a relationship, or even who you are dating, the problem is the advent of technology in general allows you to air your dirty laundry for all to see and comment on. Technology allows you to freely converse with those who simply have no business commenting on something they are unqualified to speak on.

There is a reason people go to see therapists, they want someone to listen to their problems. Even better if the person tells them they are right. With smart phones that allow you to text, facebook, tweet people at any time sometimes simultaneously, you have a way to tell people in brief what you are going through, and how pissed off your significant other has made you. On the other end, people can comment saying how you are right for feeling that way, how they are going through the same thing, and how he ain't shit (I use he because let's be honest mainly females air their dirty laundry). Back in the day people made strong attempts to work through their problems, counseling was done by a trained professional or by an older, wiser family member. Back in the day people's private lives were private not a subject to be made fun of and whispered about on global networks.Rather I should say, people had the common decency to work through their problems or express their interests and concerns to those around them personally instead of in a blind format status update, tweet, text, etc. Perhaps you disagree, and you feel that taking these actions do not harm the relationship. I can only speak for myself, and I recall that in the case of one of my exes, I absolutely hated that after an argument she would start texting people. It was not even a matter of whether she was texting people about our problem, to me it was the mere fact that she had this tool of completely escaping and ignoring the present situation by speaking to an outside world of people. And if I could feel that way, you better believe there are others who feel the same.

You also face the grass is greener on the other side effect. You have websites like: Match, Chemistry, eHarmony; the usual social sites: Facebook, Twitter; or even sex-based sites: AdultFriendFinder, Craigslist, Xtube etc. (do not want to give you guys any ideas). When you engage in these sites you see people who have amazing bodies, or great careers, or other things that peak your interest. Instead of being satisfied with what you have, you are trading messages on Facebook or one of the other sites. You are constantly tempting yourself, and it is only so long you will be able to resist the temptation.The message may start off innocent, a simple hey, whats up, hows it going. But let's be honest, if you were to see messages between your significant other and someone of the opposite gender, who was NOT a preexisting friend prior to the relationship, you would be pissed off. Furthermore, when you are not dating someone you see all the good and none of the bad. Therefore, you do not realize that leaving your good relationship for what you imagine to be something better will actually cause you to end up as unhappy if not more unhappy then before. I will try to bring this all together now.

For example, say Lucy and I are dating. While we are dating Brian hits up Lucy on Facebook: Sup. Lucy responds: Nothing, how are you? Later down the line Lucy complains in general on Facebook, how I don't appreciate her cooking. Brian comments: some men don't know a good thing when they have it. Lucy gets the thinking, "K. Jobe

As a final word it is no surprise that the divorce rates in rural areas is finally catching up to the divorce rates in urban areas. As technology spreads so does the capability to avoid issues, be impersonal, and surround yourself with constant temptation.