Back 2 Black
Everyone deals with break-ups differently. Some encourage you to list the pros and cons to better help examine how to move on. Some encourage you to rebound. Some encourage ice cream and spending time dating yourself. At the same time people break up for different reasons: they found someone else, too much arguing, someone was unfaithful, or different choices in overall life goals, e.g. marriage, children...sexuality. Anyways there are very few things I find wrong with breaking up or dealing with a break-up. Two things I have done, and will never do again are also two things that have been done to me.
The first thing is rebounding with someone else. Using someone else for a rebound can be fine and great, but in reality it only numbs (temporarily) the pain of a break-up. Involving yourself with another person whether physically or emotionally does not displace what occurred. I do not mean the exchange of words in the break-up, but the past several months or years that the relationship was. In truth, the pain does not come from having to move on, but the knowledge that these great moments that you spent with someone are over. The moments where you looked over and saw their goofy smile in the sunlight, the moments where they fell asleep 15 minutes into the movie they picked, those little and big moments where you felt completely happy. Now with this in mind, let me explain why I think rebounding simply numbs the pain. When you immediately move on with someone else, you are only plugging them into the great moments you experienced in the past relationship. You are only hoping that physical pleasure will substitute for the shared experiences of getting to know one another, and at the end of the day rebounds never work out. Whether it is a physical rebound (one-three night stand) or you begin dating someone right after. In the physical instance you will still end up mourning the loss of the emotional connection. In the emotional/relationship rebound it will end because you never dropped off the baggage from the last, and the new person never had the insight to allow you to. In the end you will be stuck with mourning the loss of two relationships (the one you never moved on from, and the rebound).
The second thing is breaking up with someone predominantly because you have found interest in someone else. (Please note there is a distinction between this and rebounding). Breaking up with someone because you are with someone else can still include breaking up due to arguing or problems with life-long goals, but the meeting of someone else is the catalyst. It is almost like cheating but not really. You can always tell when someone is into you and if you entertain that for a while, enjoy it, and then break-up with the one you're dating only to purposely or "coincidentally" give favor to this new person of interest...you my friend are in trouble. Firstly, you have to deal with the Universe's karma. Trust me unfaithful people always get cheated on, and people who look for an out when they have already begun to move on with someone else, will have the same done to them. Moreover, when you move on before ending a relationship you have not only lied to yourself but lied to the person you were once dating. You have told yourself that this new person of interest is amazing and wonderful, and everything you wanted in the previous relationship. Truth be told you said the same thing when you met your now ex. Instead of being swept away by first impressions, be sure that you are ending things because of the relationship, not because of the prospect of something new. (FYI this applies to relationships not business, which you should evaluate jumping ship if you find something promising and new.)
You are lying to your now ex because if the new person had not entered, you may have actually attempted to work things out.
In the end I have been the person executing these two things, which still left me having to deal with the pain of a break-up. In addition, I have been the victim of both and have been left dealing with the pain. In the end move on whatever way works for you. I, however, through experience, strongly discourage rebounding or breaking up with someone when someone else has entered the picture. In both instances you are taking yourself away from feeling the pain or dealing with the reality of the circumstances. In both instances you are bringing another human being into a situation you may believe you are capable of handling, but in the case you are not you are not only affecting yourself but someone else.
The first thing is rebounding with someone else. Using someone else for a rebound can be fine and great, but in reality it only numbs (temporarily) the pain of a break-up. Involving yourself with another person whether physically or emotionally does not displace what occurred. I do not mean the exchange of words in the break-up, but the past several months or years that the relationship was. In truth, the pain does not come from having to move on, but the knowledge that these great moments that you spent with someone are over. The moments where you looked over and saw their goofy smile in the sunlight, the moments where they fell asleep 15 minutes into the movie they picked, those little and big moments where you felt completely happy. Now with this in mind, let me explain why I think rebounding simply numbs the pain. When you immediately move on with someone else, you are only plugging them into the great moments you experienced in the past relationship. You are only hoping that physical pleasure will substitute for the shared experiences of getting to know one another, and at the end of the day rebounds never work out. Whether it is a physical rebound (one-three night stand) or you begin dating someone right after. In the physical instance you will still end up mourning the loss of the emotional connection. In the emotional/relationship rebound it will end because you never dropped off the baggage from the last, and the new person never had the insight to allow you to. In the end you will be stuck with mourning the loss of two relationships (the one you never moved on from, and the rebound).
The second thing is breaking up with someone predominantly because you have found interest in someone else. (Please note there is a distinction between this and rebounding). Breaking up with someone because you are with someone else can still include breaking up due to arguing or problems with life-long goals, but the meeting of someone else is the catalyst. It is almost like cheating but not really. You can always tell when someone is into you and if you entertain that for a while, enjoy it, and then break-up with the one you're dating only to purposely or "coincidentally" give favor to this new person of interest...you my friend are in trouble. Firstly, you have to deal with the Universe's karma. Trust me unfaithful people always get cheated on, and people who look for an out when they have already begun to move on with someone else, will have the same done to them. Moreover, when you move on before ending a relationship you have not only lied to yourself but lied to the person you were once dating. You have told yourself that this new person of interest is amazing and wonderful, and everything you wanted in the previous relationship. Truth be told you said the same thing when you met your now ex. Instead of being swept away by first impressions, be sure that you are ending things because of the relationship, not because of the prospect of something new. (FYI this applies to relationships not business, which you should evaluate jumping ship if you find something promising and new.)
You are lying to your now ex because if the new person had not entered, you may have actually attempted to work things out.
In the end I have been the person executing these two things, which still left me having to deal with the pain of a break-up. In addition, I have been the victim of both and have been left dealing with the pain. In the end move on whatever way works for you. I, however, through experience, strongly discourage rebounding or breaking up with someone when someone else has entered the picture. In both instances you are taking yourself away from feeling the pain or dealing with the reality of the circumstances. In both instances you are bringing another human being into a situation you may believe you are capable of handling, but in the case you are not you are not only affecting yourself but someone else.
posted by K. Jobe | 17:20
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